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You are My Notebook, I am Your Reader!

 Dear Firdaus Teacher, 

Diary personal thi padhke pata chala - sorry, 

par mere ye shabd bhi personal hain, tumhe padhke hi pata chalega..

so....

There's a world we're stuck in and we call it ours, although it's shared by millions and trillions who feel. But this picture we make of our own world, we don't consider where others stand, we never question, never get curious and just dip ourselves into a self zone.

The main thing is feelings: when you're lost or feel empty, you want to feel comfortable and able to trust the other half's affection and direction in life. Hope and emptiness are in the same boat, but they are very far apart. I am aware of how your experience with learning to play with a kite was a patriarchal structure, and I also understand how essential your sense of freedom is. You do experience the sensitivity of relationships, the importance of self-discovery, and the taglines that one other carries in a partnership. But trust me, you were and are always the most beautiful woman I would have ever seen, even when we didn't meet. You led me to a life where I couldn't hear your directions but I could feel your guidance...

I don't know how many men have proved this to you but love is not physical, 

yes, it can be materialistic cause materials hold memories and 

I found you through a notebook. 


However, I'm curious about how much you truly feel that your words have helped me discover my true love and how to explore myself. I have no authority, no right, but my possessive love, which has grown as I have become more curious, to acknowledge that - Junaid's love ruled as a possession, his concerns were in disguise that stopped him understanding you, him blocking the way of your dreams with reasons, I and you, we both just needed one who stayed...and I know why you chose to flee.When you love someone, you do let go of them since, at times, their care towards you or your love is not worthy of your heart.

And you stop considering better options when the other person only considers making the situation as it was. Choosing for yourself when you're most vulnerable is not a bad thing. Nobody is aware of the traumas we carry, Firdaus; it's just you and the world you imagine as your own. You have every right to have second thoughts about yourself if the person you share love with is unable to look past your suffering, to support you when you fall, or to fall with you every time. I enjoy educating the kids the way you did and taking them to the locations you visited while attending the school to relive your passion. 

I could never have imagined in my short life that I would be brave enough to reach you through this, even though I knew there was no hope. I never needed any reason to love you and never expected to witness your existence but maybe god had other plans for us! And this is why, the person you love may not always be the same or be there for you when you need them, but we have no control over anything that happens externally. We might want and anticipate things from them, but withholding love from them is not the same as losing this diary in the rain. With this message, I'm missing someone with the notion of them. The person you love is no less than human to push your expectations and not have a life direction. Minding that again dedicates a chance...a curiosity that we develop towards each other I know. But I can do that any damn day if it's for you.

From the Ashiq who shares your Notebook,

Kabeer




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