It was never Ankhon mein teri ....
I took out my phone's batteries, turned off the clock batteries, and stopped every running time whenever I was afraid that time would ruin things for us, whenever I felt like the time we had was rough, not enough, and if only I could stop it for the billionth second I would have done it for her but she? She never bothered the times I kept waiting for her constant attention, she'd come and fade like autumn leaves and I'd be a tree.
She ghosted me like a cold silent river has iced over, but never held me in those patient arms of hers after all she'd been through battles. I could never meet the woman she became, never understood the value she paid for this womanhood, and you say I respect her? Do I?
Her tale is like the cherry blossom you want to see from a distance, but it's just in season for me, and after it's gone, I'll never be able to get the same. I never attempted to guess which chocolates she would like or which tv series would make her cry the most or which portion of her work she would enjoy the most, but I wanted to be her top priority when it came to such serious things. I was too preoccupied with arranging my own presents, grieving for my own, and I justified it as a love of dedication that I never worried about how lonely or frustrated she could feel at times. I told her I loved her and described it as a love of devotion. I wish I'd first know how she felt in that body but I'd always ask her to change and change without even knowing what makes her confident, was I the one she could call her savior or could lean ever? Maybe not. I was one of the same old pack of men who'd check over and judge her with an insecure feeling that will make her hesitant and stop her to be herself...I wish I realized this sooner as a mature person knew. I wasn't the right fit for her I knew but I would still commit that I'd get married to you. She spoke to me through her coldness, which I wish I had noticed sooner. I wish I really could accept her as she loved me in myself!
I didn't realize how the cities had changed us or how we had become inert over time, and I made her feel so ordinary rather than giving her the attention and encouragement she deserved. I never asked her to take a moment to say goodbye, but she always gave me small chances to win her back, but I took them for granted. I wish someone had also noticed me the way I studied her and convinced me of the value of one-sided love even though we were already together. Unfortunately, I was too immature to understand where I was, where I was going, and where I was going to stop in order to know that I was the kind of man she needed to lean on.
I missed noting that, I'd collect all the roses that caught my eyes, but she'd love those hand plucked jasmine on her hairs first, I'd tell her all the colors in the sky, and turn over the same old pages over and over ..but she'd love stars more, I never noticed how she loved the villains who played true but turned cold when it came to hers. She often asked me "tum khush ho ?" I replied with a "haan" and I missed to assure her that she is the best ever person whom I am giving all my heart and my little time to, she is my only favorite, who'd I die for, and will never turn back my intentions of loving her even if it's hard. There were days between us when she never looked at m, she never felt what I did and she'd be upset over my little dramas , my incapability, unreliability, and my thought of not being serious, I used to ask her back then; "Tum Khush Ho?" She'd reply , "shit kuch feel hi nahi kar rahi hu!" And I miss that every day. Now that she's gone, I imagine I could've been her hero, and there's so much I could've done to win her every day.